Transition Back on the Table

Last night I had a very bad dream.  I dreamed that my (yet unborn) baby died as an infant.  I woke from the dream feeling very emotional about it.  I was glad it wasn't real, but it was so frightening. 

I got to work and realized that my county was under a Tornado Watch, and I thought of my fearless partner.  She would be getting off work about the same time as the storms would be forming and getting bad.  Still thinking of my future child, I imagined my partner being as worry free as she usually is, and going home only to be caught in the storm and die along with our unborn child.  It was a horrible thought.

I met her for lunch and told her I didn't want her to go home if the weather was bad, just to stay at work until it passed.  I told her it wasn't just about her anymore, that I couldn't lose her and my child together.  She said she'd be careful of the weather situation.  She then laughed and said, well if I died, at least you'd get a lot of money.

I started to tear up thinking about losing her, but my next thought surprised me.   I realized that if the worst should happen, and I should lose her in such a way, I feel like I would have lost my whole life.  I realized I would, without hesitation, sell my house, schedule my FFS and SRS, move to a new city, and start a new life.  I cannot believe I am saying this, but I realize that I truly would do it.

The implications are frightening.  Is my partner really the only thing keeping me living as male?  So what does that mean?  Being that this feeling is so strong, does it mean it will eventually take me over?  Does it mean I will end up resenting her or leaving her as so many have warned me I would?   I certainly hope not, but I wonder how much of my dreams I am sacrificing to remain with her.

For a long time I thought that even if my partner left me, I'd still never transition, that that ship had sailed.  I realized today that isn't the case anymore - that I've changed.

I feel some sense of dread about it and it has made me redouble my efforts to find a way to learn to live with this condition so it does not consume me and my family.  I love my partner, and want to grow old with her.  I just wish I could do so as my whole self.

Finally

I'm back on track...

It took a month of screwing up, but I'm back on track.  While I'm not totally sure what took me off the path, I have a good feeling I know part of it.  My partner is pregnant and incredibly sensitive at the moment.  Even though she knows what I am trying to do is for the best for my mental wellbeing, and by that what is also best for my long term mental health for my family, she gets freaked out very easily by the steps I am taking.  At her best, she constantly fears my actions will bring shame or suspicion on her, at her worst, she worries I will leave her and transition.  She had an extremely difficult period after my first month of progress, and I had to put on the most stoic face for her and push my issues to the very back of my mind.

She is stable enough now I can begin to think about what I need to do for me.  Fortunately, I came to before my dysphoria became too overwhelming.

I began to think today of what I'm looking forward to and I know some of it may seem silly, but it really motivates me:

• I'm looking forward to looking in the mirror and appreciating some aspects of my body instead of totally resenting it.
• I'm looking forward to wearing clothing that isn't just, "what's lying around," but rather things I put together that accentuate my look and make me feel good about myself.
• I'm looking forward to my hair being longer finally.
• I'm looking forward to coming out generally to everyone, so I no longer feel I have to pretend to be "normal" for those in my life who don't know.
• I'm looking forward to being more active in the community of other trans people, seeking to make changes politically to aid in better understanding of our condition, something I am limited in doing now since I'm still in the closet mostly.
• I'm looking forward to being ma'am'd occasionally based on my new look even if I am not fully transitioning.
• I'm looking forward to being myself on my online games, especially those that use voice chat.

But more than any of that, I'm looking forward to my child being born.  I want to be a parent, even if I don't want to be known as "daddy" or "father."  I'm still trying to figure out what my title should be so I'd appreciate suggestions.

Good news for my friends, but am I so conflicted

I have two very dear friends who will likely read this blog.  They will know who they are and they should know that I care for each of them a great deal and in no way wish to diminish our friendship or how happy I am for them for the recent turn of events in their lives, however since this is my blog to discuss my feelings openly, I hope they'll permit me to do so without taking anything I say personally.

I met both of them several years ago when my dysphoria was beginning to flare up after my mom died, and I went looking for support.  All three of us were looking for ways to cope with our dysphoria without taking the dramatic step of transition.  I have loved these two friends and have really benefited from their love in turn over the years.  However, this week, I feel I have lost both of them... or rather that I will lose them both.  I should say that they do not know one another so what happened was very coincidental. 

This week I discovered that both of them will no longer have any issues with their dysphoria.  One of them, after losing those close to her, has chosen to transition and has surgery in just a few weeks in preparation to going full time.  The other had a profoundly religious experience and feels cured of the dysphoria completely.

Honestly, I couldn't be happier for either, but I am torn as well.  These two beloved allies were my two best go-to people if I needed help, as I hoped I was for them.  But now neither of them are walking the path I walk.  They will be able to move on, while I remain behind and alone in my walk.  Granted, I don't believe that either will abandon me, but since neither will be actively going through what I go through, talking to them will be little different than talking to others who are not walking my path.

The worst part about it is, both of them feel they know what is best for me.  Now they would never say it, and frankly I don't blame them for feeling this way.  Both have their own reasons to feel that I am lost and deceiving myself, and that the answer to curing my dysphoria is to go the way they did. 

One of them wants me to return to my church, wants me to return to faith, and to rely on the strength of God and the church to help me through this difficult time so God can help me to have the strength to resist the temptation to transition while helping me maintain a level of peace within.

The other sees much of herself in me and wonders if I am not just deluding myself into believing that I can control my dysphoria and feels I am sacrificing too much of what I want for others.  She believes that transition might ultimately be my path - my only path.

Both have extremely, EXTREMELY valid reasons for believing the way they do, and in a way both are probably right.  There is no precedent set for a person to live without transition with dysphoria as bad as mine and I will likely fail at it and end up transitioning or killing myself.  Additionally, support for the church probably would help me deal with my dysphoria,and it is possible that God may miraculously cure me too should I return fully to the fold.

Despite this, I cannot accept either's advice.  Were I to accept either's and truly act on it, it would likely cost me my marriage.  I cannot explain it fully here, but I truly feel it would.  I truly love my partner, and don't wish to lose her.  If staying with her keeps me from church, or from being myself through transitioning, then I choose her.  Maybe I'm an idiot, maybe I'm truly deluded, maybe I'm being deceived by Satan, or maybe just co-dependent, I don't know.  But it doesn't change the fact I will do almost anything to keep her.  Even turn down the very loving and kind advice given by two people who I care for and who care for me a great deal.

I am sad, because I feel it is only a matter of time now before I lose them both just as I lost my first true transgendered friend once she went full time and moved away.  In the end, despite how close we were, she moved on, and while I am happy for her, I feel very alone.  I do know other non-transitioners, but I am not as close to them.  Perhaps it is time I broadened my horizons.

To my two friends who are reading this, know that I don't want to lose either of you, and I don't mind if you are blunt with me, I never have.  I expect that you will keep giving me good advice when I ask for it so long as you are in my life.  I hope I can return the favor.  I wish the two of you ALL of the happiness in this world and in the next.  I hope I can achieve a measure of the peace you both have.

I love you two.

Could Hormones be in my Future?

I met with my doctor on the 13th this month for a physical, but the real reason was to ask her about potentially getting back on hormones.  I explained my situation with my dysphoria and how bad it has been getting - especially after I got diagnosed with Protein S Deficiency and had to stop hormones.  She listened intently then confessed that she too has a blood clotting disorder albeit not as deadly as mine and that her HRT (for menopause) was dangerous to her as well, but that if she didn't have HRT she couldn't function.  She knows the risks for herself, but to maintain her quality of life and her practice, she continued with her HRT.  She then admitted that it is probably much the same for me.  That while the risk to me is potentially great, the quality of life improvement may be worth it.  I told her that is exactly how I feel.

She told me that she would get the ball rolling for me - that she would talk to three open minded doctors so that they could all coordinate together - a bone doctor, an endo, and a blood doctor.  With all three doctors monitoring me and sharing information, they should be able to help me manage my risk of deadly blood clots as well as my osteoporosis (which my doctor admitted should be repaired once on HRT again).

I'm staying cautiously optimistic that this will work.  I'll be going on the lowest dose of estrogen possible to maintain my bone density and minimize my blood clot risk.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed this all works out for the best!

Backsliding

It has been a while since I've updated my blog due to backsliding on my commitments to myself.  Why did I backslide?  Because I started feeling good.  I know it may sound weird, but much of what I am doing here to is help me feel relief from my dysphoria - not just in the short term but in the long run.  The whole reason for my new take on how to deal with my dysphoria is to find a long term treatment to minimize its negative impact on my life.

Unfortunately when I start to feel better, such as what happened just after my month 1 update, I stop feeling so dysphoric and stop doing the things I need to do to keep up with my goals.  My dysphoria hasn't fully returned yet, but it is looming and I know it will only worsen if I do not recommit myself.

In this lull from my dysphoria, things have improved with my partner dramatically.  Since I'm not down all the time, she has come again to rely on me emotionally albeit she is still "waiting for the show to drop" as to when I will become emotionally unstable again as she puts it.  I have not shaved in over a week and haven't kept up with my eyebrows or face cleaning either.  I have gained about 3 lbs in the last 2 weeks instead of losing an additional 4 putting me about 6 lbs behind my goal.  I've exercised, but not nearly as often and for only about 20 minutes at a time.  I still haven't had a Coke but I started to drink Snapple tea - something that I've realized it just as bad for me.  And while I am still a vegetarian, I 've found myself eating out more and more and supplementing my diet with flavored chips (totally worthless calories).

So that's it!  I have learned a few things in this period that I hope will help me make it for the long haul.  I cannot purchase bagged chips or really any kind of flavored chips.  They are too easy to grab for a snack and too easy to eat too many of.  Secondly, no more tea.  It has almost as many calories as Coke and I feel the potential to get quite addicted to it too.  Also I need to limit my eating out to one time a week if at all possible.

I must keep up a 5 day a week workout routine and not let myself slide on it - even if it is just 20 minutes a day.  While it isn't pragmatic to shave every day, I need to do it at least twice a week - before work on Monday and before the weekend begins on Friday.  I'll feel a lot better about myself for sure.  During those times I can keep up my eyebrows from going all bushy again.  Additionally, since I'll be going to the effort to keep up my appearance more regularly, I can afford to dress up on those days too.  Tomorrow is Friday, so tomorrow I'll go all out! :)

Finally I will update my blog at LEAST once a week but attempt to do it as often as I have something to say.

My next goal is to hit 189 lbs.  At that weight I will no longer be overweight for my height - a huge achievement for me as it will mean I have lost close to 25 lbs.  I figure, if I start doing everything right, I can hit that goal before the end of January so time to get on it!  If I hit my goal, I will allow myself to buy myself a few more pieces of androgynous clothing to wear as part of my regular wardrobe.  I'll be even more motivated to keep up my appearance then!

Month 1 Update

Well, it has been a month and I'm still trucking along with my plans.  It hasn't been without difficulty or heartache.  My partner is struggling with my choices even if they do not include complete transition.  When I started this, I didn't have much of a plan in mind.  I just needed to do something to be closer to my true self without actually transitioning fully.  Since then I have a more refined picture of what my end goals are and due to my progress, I'm getting more confident that I will attain those goals.  Because this is a work in progress, clearly the goals will change over time.

At this point, I intend to do the following:

1. Live an androgynous lifestyle - this include at work, at home, and in public.
2. Present as female at transgendered events or with other transgendered people.
3. Come out to everyone that I am transgender so they understand my motivations and I can be more free to be myself.

Part three is probably the most important part.  Being truly out would allow me to speak on transgendered issues, to promote understanding, and be a positive representative of the community.  The idea of coming out to everyone in my life really troubles my partner though.  I'm a little intimidated myself, but I feel it is very important I stop pretending.

So as far as what I've accomplished in month 1:

• I've lost over 17 lbs.
• I'm a vegetarian now.
• I've been changing my online presence everywhere from male to female or androgynous.
• I've come out to close friends who have been a great support to me.
• I've worked out a plan of action to achieve my goals.
• I've been researching a lot on how to better present androgynously.
• I've worked to keep my relationship with my partner positive and hormonious, though I haven't been perfect at it.
• I've worked out at least 5 times a week.
• I've worked to be a kinder, more positive influence with others, though I need to remember to continue this even when down or beaten up by my dysphoria
• I've kept up my blog with at least a post a week.

Month 2 here I come!

Where Do I Even Begin?

I apologize for the lack of updates as of late - I've been extremely focused elsewhere - mostly on my partner.  My partner is growing more and more concerned about the changes to my body and to my intentions as I progress toward my goals.  Up to this point I've told her to trust me, that I wasn't going to transition even if it looked like I was.  She has been pretty emotional of late due to being pregnant and off her anxiety meds, so I've been trying to focus on keeping her calm.

She revels in owning and living near her horse as it brings her a lot of happiness and peace, but unfortunately due to financial strains brought on by the new baby, we might not be able to keep the house and must move to an apartment where she will no longer be with her horse.  She was understandably devastated when I told her about our financial situation, and I spent the next several days doing my best to be as kind to her as possible - even to the complete neglect of my dysphoria which was growing in intensity over the period.

Earlier this week my dysphoria got the best of me and I needed someone to cry to.  Unfortunately, I cried to her and in so doing, scared her to death.  As part of my emotional outburst I told her, "well I won't have to worry about what other's think soon, because everyone will know."  She asked me what I meant by that so I felt compelled to explain to her that part of my steps I'm taking to deal with my dysphoria involved me coming out to everyone and I mean EVERYONE.  Job, friends, facebook, everything.  She lost it emotionally.  I tried to calm her down, but it didn't work.  I didn't know it, but that night she began not to trust me.

Flash forward to this past weekend - I went to visit my trans cousin, a visit that had been planned for several weeks and a productive one at that.  My partner knew I was going, but there was apparently some misunderstanding of how long I'd be gone.  She tried to contact me while I was at a movie around 8pm, and when I didn't answer her, she had the most epic freak out I've ever witnessed from her.  She thought the worst, that maybe I was out as a female at a club picking people up.  I've never given her a reason not to trust me, so obviously this was concerning to me.  She revealed in the course of our conversation as I traveled home that night, that she didn't know if she could completely trust me not to transition.  Now I was devastated.  Everything I had been doing was in an attempt to find happiness without going full time, but suddenly I was being doubted by the very rock I've chosen to stand on.

Our relationship has taken a terrible hit as a result of all this.  I don't know if it will have any lasting implications, but it certainly made me feel terrible.  I am the poison in her life.  I wish it wasn't so, but I am the cause of her greatest sadness and anxiety.  The worst part is I realize it, but I'm clueless how to fix it.  I have to deal with my dysphoria before it destroys my relationship and before it destroys me.  I just need her to trust me long enough to get there.