Last night I had a very bad dream. I dreamed that my (yet unborn) baby died as an infant. I woke from the dream feeling very emotional about it. I was glad it wasn't real, but it was so frightening.
I got to work and realized that my county was under a Tornado Watch, and I thought of my fearless partner. She would be getting off work about the same time as the storms would be forming and getting bad. Still thinking of my future child, I imagined my partner being as worry free as she usually is, and going home only to be caught in the storm and die along with our unborn child. It was a horrible thought.
I met her for lunch and told her I didn't want her to go home if the weather was bad, just to stay at work until it passed. I told her it wasn't just about her anymore, that I couldn't lose her and my child together. She said she'd be careful of the weather situation. She then laughed and said, well if I died, at least you'd get a lot of money.
I started to tear up thinking about losing her, but my next thought surprised me. I realized that if the worst should happen, and I should lose her in such a way, I feel like I would have lost my whole life. I realized I would, without hesitation, sell my house, schedule my FFS and SRS, move to a new city, and start a new life. I cannot believe I am saying this, but I realize that I truly would do it.
The implications are frightening. Is my partner really the only thing keeping me living as male? So what does that mean? Being that this feeling is so strong, does it mean it will eventually take me over? Does it mean I will end up resenting her or leaving her as so many have warned me I would? I certainly hope not, but I wonder how much of my dreams I am sacrificing to remain with her.
For a long time I thought that even if my partner left
me, I'd still never transition, that that ship had sailed. I realized
today that isn't the case anymore - that I've changed.
I feel some sense of dread about it and it has made me redouble my efforts to find a way to learn to live with this condition so it does not consume me and my family. I love my partner, and want to grow old with her. I just wish I could do so as my whole self.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Finally
I'm back on track...
It took a month of screwing up, but I'm back on track. While I'm not totally sure what took me off the path, I have a good feeling I know part of it. My partner is pregnant and incredibly sensitive at the moment. Even though she knows what I am trying to do is for the best for my mental wellbeing, and by that what is also best for my long term mental health for my family, she gets freaked out very easily by the steps I am taking. At her best, she constantly fears my actions will bring shame or suspicion on her, at her worst, she worries I will leave her and transition. She had an extremely difficult period after my first month of progress, and I had to put on the most stoic face for her and push my issues to the very back of my mind.
She is stable enough now I can begin to think about what I need to do for me. Fortunately, I came to before my dysphoria became too overwhelming.
I began to think today of what I'm looking forward to and I know some of it may seem silly, but it really motivates me:
It took a month of screwing up, but I'm back on track. While I'm not totally sure what took me off the path, I have a good feeling I know part of it. My partner is pregnant and incredibly sensitive at the moment. Even though she knows what I am trying to do is for the best for my mental wellbeing, and by that what is also best for my long term mental health for my family, she gets freaked out very easily by the steps I am taking. At her best, she constantly fears my actions will bring shame or suspicion on her, at her worst, she worries I will leave her and transition. She had an extremely difficult period after my first month of progress, and I had to put on the most stoic face for her and push my issues to the very back of my mind.
She is stable enough now I can begin to think about what I need to do for me. Fortunately, I came to before my dysphoria became too overwhelming.
I began to think today of what I'm looking forward to and I know some of it may seem silly, but it really motivates me:
- I'm looking forward to looking in the mirror and appreciating some aspects of my body instead of totally resenting it.
- I'm looking forward to wearing clothing that isn't just, "what's lying around," but rather things I put together that accentuate my look and make me feel good about myself.
- I'm looking forward to my hair being longer finally.
- I'm looking forward to coming out generally to everyone, so I no longer feel I have to pretend to be "normal" for those in my life who don't know.
- I'm looking forward to being more active in the community of other trans people, seeking to make changes politically to aid in better understanding of our condition, something I am limited in doing now since I'm still in the closet mostly.
- I'm looking forward to being ma'am'd occasionally based on my new look even if I am not fully transitioning.
- I'm looking forward to being myself on my online games, especially those that use voice chat.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Good news for my friends, but am I so conflicted
I have two very dear friends who will likely read this blog. They will know who they are and they should know that I care for each of them a great deal and in no way wish to diminish our friendship or how happy I am for them for the recent turn of events in their lives, however since this is my blog to discuss my feelings openly, I hope they'll permit me to do so without taking anything I say personally.
I met both of them several years ago when my dysphoria was beginning to flare up after my mom died, and I went looking for support. All three of us were looking for ways to cope with our dysphoria without taking the dramatic step of transition. I have loved these two friends and have really benefited from their love in turn over the years. However, this week, I feel I have lost both of them... or rather that I will lose them both. I should say that they do not know one another so what happened was very coincidental.
This week I discovered that both of them will no longer have any issues with their dysphoria. One of them, after losing those close to her, has chosen to transition and has surgery in just a few weeks in preparation to going full time. The other had a profoundly religious experience and feels cured of the dysphoria completely.
Honestly, I couldn't be happier for either, but I am torn as well. These two beloved allies were my two best go-to people if I needed help, as I hoped I was for them. But now neither of them are walking the path I walk. They will be able to move on, while I remain behind and alone in my walk. Granted, I don't believe that either will abandon me, but since neither will be actively going through what I go through, talking to them will be little different than talking to others who are not walking my path.
The worst part about it is, both of them feel they know what is best for me. Now they would never say it, and frankly I don't blame them for feeling this way. Both have their own reasons to feel that I am lost and deceiving myself, and that the answer to curing my dysphoria is to go the way they did.
One of them wants me to return to my church, wants me to return to faith, and to rely on the strength of God and the church to help me through this difficult time so God can help me to have the strength to resist the temptation to transition while helping me maintain a level of peace within.
The other sees much of herself in me and wonders if I am not just deluding myself into believing that I can control my dysphoria and feels I am sacrificing too much of what I want for others. She believes that transition might ultimately be my path - my only path.
Both have extremely, EXTREMELY valid reasons for believing the way they do, and in a way both are probably right. There is no precedent set for a person to live without transition with dysphoria as bad as mine and I will likely fail at it and end up transitioning or killing myself. Additionally, support for the church probably would help me deal with my dysphoria,and it is possible that God may miraculously cure me too should I return fully to the fold.
Despite this, I cannot accept either's advice. Were I to accept either's and truly act on it, it would likely cost me my marriage. I cannot explain it fully here, but I truly feel it would. I truly love my partner, and don't wish to lose her. If staying with her keeps me from church, or from being myself through transitioning, then I choose her. Maybe I'm an idiot, maybe I'm truly deluded, maybe I'm being deceived by Satan, or maybe just co-dependent, I don't know. But it doesn't change the fact I will do almost anything to keep her. Even turn down the very loving and kind advice given by two people who I care for and who care for me a great deal.
I am sad, because I feel it is only a matter of time now before I lose them both just as I lost my first true transgendered friend once she went full time and moved away. In the end, despite how close we were, she moved on, and while I am happy for her, I feel very alone. I do know other non-transitioners, but I am not as close to them. Perhaps it is time I broadened my horizons.
To my two friends who are reading this, know that I don't want to lose either of you, and I don't mind if you are blunt with me, I never have. I expect that you will keep giving me good advice when I ask for it so long as you are in my life. I hope I can return the favor. I wish the two of you ALL of the happiness in this world and in the next. I hope I can achieve a measure of the peace you both have.
I love you two.
I met both of them several years ago when my dysphoria was beginning to flare up after my mom died, and I went looking for support. All three of us were looking for ways to cope with our dysphoria without taking the dramatic step of transition. I have loved these two friends and have really benefited from their love in turn over the years. However, this week, I feel I have lost both of them... or rather that I will lose them both. I should say that they do not know one another so what happened was very coincidental.
This week I discovered that both of them will no longer have any issues with their dysphoria. One of them, after losing those close to her, has chosen to transition and has surgery in just a few weeks in preparation to going full time. The other had a profoundly religious experience and feels cured of the dysphoria completely.
Honestly, I couldn't be happier for either, but I am torn as well. These two beloved allies were my two best go-to people if I needed help, as I hoped I was for them. But now neither of them are walking the path I walk. They will be able to move on, while I remain behind and alone in my walk. Granted, I don't believe that either will abandon me, but since neither will be actively going through what I go through, talking to them will be little different than talking to others who are not walking my path.
The worst part about it is, both of them feel they know what is best for me. Now they would never say it, and frankly I don't blame them for feeling this way. Both have their own reasons to feel that I am lost and deceiving myself, and that the answer to curing my dysphoria is to go the way they did.
One of them wants me to return to my church, wants me to return to faith, and to rely on the strength of God and the church to help me through this difficult time so God can help me to have the strength to resist the temptation to transition while helping me maintain a level of peace within.
The other sees much of herself in me and wonders if I am not just deluding myself into believing that I can control my dysphoria and feels I am sacrificing too much of what I want for others. She believes that transition might ultimately be my path - my only path.
Both have extremely, EXTREMELY valid reasons for believing the way they do, and in a way both are probably right. There is no precedent set for a person to live without transition with dysphoria as bad as mine and I will likely fail at it and end up transitioning or killing myself. Additionally, support for the church probably would help me deal with my dysphoria,and it is possible that God may miraculously cure me too should I return fully to the fold.
Despite this, I cannot accept either's advice. Were I to accept either's and truly act on it, it would likely cost me my marriage. I cannot explain it fully here, but I truly feel it would. I truly love my partner, and don't wish to lose her. If staying with her keeps me from church, or from being myself through transitioning, then I choose her. Maybe I'm an idiot, maybe I'm truly deluded, maybe I'm being deceived by Satan, or maybe just co-dependent, I don't know. But it doesn't change the fact I will do almost anything to keep her. Even turn down the very loving and kind advice given by two people who I care for and who care for me a great deal.
I am sad, because I feel it is only a matter of time now before I lose them both just as I lost my first true transgendered friend once she went full time and moved away. In the end, despite how close we were, she moved on, and while I am happy for her, I feel very alone. I do know other non-transitioners, but I am not as close to them. Perhaps it is time I broadened my horizons.
To my two friends who are reading this, know that I don't want to lose either of you, and I don't mind if you are blunt with me, I never have. I expect that you will keep giving me good advice when I ask for it so long as you are in my life. I hope I can return the favor. I wish the two of you ALL of the happiness in this world and in the next. I hope I can achieve a measure of the peace you both have.
I love you two.
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