Could Hormones be in my Future?

I met with my doctor on the 13th this month for a physical, but the real reason was to ask her about potentially getting back on hormones.  I explained my situation with my dysphoria and how bad it has been getting - especially after I got diagnosed with Protein S Deficiency and had to stop hormones.  She listened intently then confessed that she too has a blood clotting disorder albeit not as deadly as mine and that her HRT (for menopause) was dangerous to her as well, but that if she didn't have HRT she couldn't function.  She knows the risks for herself, but to maintain her quality of life and her practice, she continued with her HRT.  She then admitted that it is probably much the same for me.  That while the risk to me is potentially great, the quality of life improvement may be worth it.  I told her that is exactly how I feel.

She told me that she would get the ball rolling for me - that she would talk to three open minded doctors so that they could all coordinate together - a bone doctor, an endo, and a blood doctor.  With all three doctors monitoring me and sharing information, they should be able to help me manage my risk of deadly blood clots as well as my osteoporosis (which my doctor admitted should be repaired once on HRT again).

I'm staying cautiously optimistic that this will work.  I'll be going on the lowest dose of estrogen possible to maintain my bone density and minimize my blood clot risk.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed this all works out for the best!

Backsliding

It has been a while since I've updated my blog due to backsliding on my commitments to myself.  Why did I backslide?  Because I started feeling good.  I know it may sound weird, but much of what I am doing here to is help me feel relief from my dysphoria - not just in the short term but in the long run.  The whole reason for my new take on how to deal with my dysphoria is to find a long term treatment to minimize its negative impact on my life.

Unfortunately when I start to feel better, such as what happened just after my month 1 update, I stop feeling so dysphoric and stop doing the things I need to do to keep up with my goals.  My dysphoria hasn't fully returned yet, but it is looming and I know it will only worsen if I do not recommit myself.

In this lull from my dysphoria, things have improved with my partner dramatically.  Since I'm not down all the time, she has come again to rely on me emotionally albeit she is still "waiting for the show to drop" as to when I will become emotionally unstable again as she puts it.  I have not shaved in over a week and haven't kept up with my eyebrows or face cleaning either.  I have gained about 3 lbs in the last 2 weeks instead of losing an additional 4 putting me about 6 lbs behind my goal.  I've exercised, but not nearly as often and for only about 20 minutes at a time.  I still haven't had a Coke but I started to drink Snapple tea - something that I've realized it just as bad for me.  And while I am still a vegetarian, I 've found myself eating out more and more and supplementing my diet with flavored chips (totally worthless calories).

So that's it!  I have learned a few things in this period that I hope will help me make it for the long haul.  I cannot purchase bagged chips or really any kind of flavored chips.  They are too easy to grab for a snack and too easy to eat too many of.  Secondly, no more tea.  It has almost as many calories as Coke and I feel the potential to get quite addicted to it too.  Also I need to limit my eating out to one time a week if at all possible.

I must keep up a 5 day a week workout routine and not let myself slide on it - even if it is just 20 minutes a day.  While it isn't pragmatic to shave every day, I need to do it at least twice a week - before work on Monday and before the weekend begins on Friday.  I'll feel a lot better about myself for sure.  During those times I can keep up my eyebrows from going all bushy again.  Additionally, since I'll be going to the effort to keep up my appearance more regularly, I can afford to dress up on those days too.  Tomorrow is Friday, so tomorrow I'll go all out! :)

Finally I will update my blog at LEAST once a week but attempt to do it as often as I have something to say.

My next goal is to hit 189 lbs.  At that weight I will no longer be overweight for my height - a huge achievement for me as it will mean I have lost close to 25 lbs.  I figure, if I start doing everything right, I can hit that goal before the end of January so time to get on it!  If I hit my goal, I will allow myself to buy myself a few more pieces of androgynous clothing to wear as part of my regular wardrobe.  I'll be even more motivated to keep up my appearance then!

Month 1 Update

Well, it has been a month and I'm still trucking along with my plans.  It hasn't been without difficulty or heartache.  My partner is struggling with my choices even if they do not include complete transition.  When I started this, I didn't have much of a plan in mind.  I just needed to do something to be closer to my true self without actually transitioning fully.  Since then I have a more refined picture of what my end goals are and due to my progress, I'm getting more confident that I will attain those goals.  Because this is a work in progress, clearly the goals will change over time.

At this point, I intend to do the following:

1. Live an androgynous lifestyle - this include at work, at home, and in public.
2. Present as female at transgendered events or with other transgendered people.
3. Come out to everyone that I am transgender so they understand my motivations and I can be more free to be myself.

Part three is probably the most important part.  Being truly out would allow me to speak on transgendered issues, to promote understanding, and be a positive representative of the community.  The idea of coming out to everyone in my life really troubles my partner though.  I'm a little intimidated myself, but I feel it is very important I stop pretending.

So as far as what I've accomplished in month 1:

• I've lost over 17 lbs.
• I'm a vegetarian now.
• I've been changing my online presence everywhere from male to female or androgynous.
• I've come out to close friends who have been a great support to me.
• I've worked out a plan of action to achieve my goals.
• I've been researching a lot on how to better present androgynously.
• I've worked to keep my relationship with my partner positive and hormonious, though I haven't been perfect at it.
• I've worked out at least 5 times a week.
• I've worked to be a kinder, more positive influence with others, though I need to remember to continue this even when down or beaten up by my dysphoria
• I've kept up my blog with at least a post a week.

Month 2 here I come!

Where Do I Even Begin?

I apologize for the lack of updates as of late - I've been extremely focused elsewhere - mostly on my partner.  My partner is growing more and more concerned about the changes to my body and to my intentions as I progress toward my goals.  Up to this point I've told her to trust me, that I wasn't going to transition even if it looked like I was.  She has been pretty emotional of late due to being pregnant and off her anxiety meds, so I've been trying to focus on keeping her calm.

She revels in owning and living near her horse as it brings her a lot of happiness and peace, but unfortunately due to financial strains brought on by the new baby, we might not be able to keep the house and must move to an apartment where she will no longer be with her horse.  She was understandably devastated when I told her about our financial situation, and I spent the next several days doing my best to be as kind to her as possible - even to the complete neglect of my dysphoria which was growing in intensity over the period.

Earlier this week my dysphoria got the best of me and I needed someone to cry to.  Unfortunately, I cried to her and in so doing, scared her to death.  As part of my emotional outburst I told her, "well I won't have to worry about what other's think soon, because everyone will know."  She asked me what I meant by that so I felt compelled to explain to her that part of my steps I'm taking to deal with my dysphoria involved me coming out to everyone and I mean EVERYONE.  Job, friends, facebook, everything.  She lost it emotionally.  I tried to calm her down, but it didn't work.  I didn't know it, but that night she began not to trust me.

Flash forward to this past weekend - I went to visit my trans cousin, a visit that had been planned for several weeks and a productive one at that.  My partner knew I was going, but there was apparently some misunderstanding of how long I'd be gone.  She tried to contact me while I was at a movie around 8pm, and when I didn't answer her, she had the most epic freak out I've ever witnessed from her.  She thought the worst, that maybe I was out as a female at a club picking people up.  I've never given her a reason not to trust me, so obviously this was concerning to me.  She revealed in the course of our conversation as I traveled home that night, that she didn't know if she could completely trust me not to transition.  Now I was devastated.  Everything I had been doing was in an attempt to find happiness without going full time, but suddenly I was being doubted by the very rock I've chosen to stand on.

Our relationship has taken a terrible hit as a result of all this.  I don't know if it will have any lasting implications, but it certainly made me feel terrible.  I am the poison in her life.  I wish it wasn't so, but I am the cause of her greatest sadness and anxiety.  The worst part is I realize it, but I'm clueless how to fix it.  I have to deal with my dysphoria before it destroys my relationship and before it destroys me.  I just need her to trust me long enough to get there.

Week 3 Update

I got under 200 lbs today and I'm so excited.  In 3 weeks I've lost over 13 lbs.  Only 45 more to go to get back to looking like I want to look again.  It's been strange, but I don't feel the need for hormones I once felt.  3 weeks ago I set up the appointment with my doctor to get estrogen prescribed to me again because I felt it would help with my body dysmorphia and anxiety.  And while it is true it would be a great help, there are also significant health risks for me, including fatal ones due to blood clotting.  My dysmorphia is under control right now I think largely because of the continued steps I've taken to improve my body.  Don't get me wrong though, I still see "disgusting" when I look in the mirror, but I'm kind of holding on to this hope that I won't have to look that way forever.

I've kept my eyebrows up, kept up with my facial cleansing and flossing (which can be very difficult to motivate myself to do).  I'm not pursuing meat still and have been cooking at home more often (once we finished with the Thanksgiving leftovers).

I've actually been motivated to clean house - something I usually LOVE to do, but it can be very difficult to get motivated when I'm depressed over the state of my own body.  I really want a clean house so badly.  It would be a source of pride to go home to it each day.

Speaking of the house, it has been the biggest focus this week.  I realized as I was doing the budget for this month that we would likely not have enough money coming in for both the baby and to keep the house.  We realized we need to start taking steps to sell it, or perhaps rent it for a few years while we get more financially stable.  This news has devastated my partner who is very attached to the horses we have on the property, and while we won't have to get rid of them because we can board them elsewhere, the idea of not being with a cherished pet everyday is crushing her.  I've spent very little energy trying to deal with my own dysphoria because I've been so focused on her.  I've had to bury my feelings, but I know the reprisal of them will be worse for having not given them enough attention.

I'm hoping I can make it to Saturday when I get to see my cousin again.  There, I can be myself without reservation - even if I don't look quite right yet, at least I'll be accepted for who I am.