Transition Back on the Table

Last night I had a very bad dream.  I dreamed that my (yet unborn) baby died as an infant.  I woke from the dream feeling very emotional about it.  I was glad it wasn't real, but it was so frightening. 

I got to work and realized that my county was under a Tornado Watch, and I thought of my fearless partner.  She would be getting off work about the same time as the storms would be forming and getting bad.  Still thinking of my future child, I imagined my partner being as worry free as she usually is, and going home only to be caught in the storm and die along with our unborn child.  It was a horrible thought.

I met her for lunch and told her I didn't want her to go home if the weather was bad, just to stay at work until it passed.  I told her it wasn't just about her anymore, that I couldn't lose her and my child together.  She said she'd be careful of the weather situation.  She then laughed and said, well if I died, at least you'd get a lot of money.

I started to tear up thinking about losing her, but my next thought surprised me.   I realized that if the worst should happen, and I should lose her in such a way, I feel like I would have lost my whole life.  I realized I would, without hesitation, sell my house, schedule my FFS and SRS, move to a new city, and start a new life.  I cannot believe I am saying this, but I realize that I truly would do it.

The implications are frightening.  Is my partner really the only thing keeping me living as male?  So what does that mean?  Being that this feeling is so strong, does it mean it will eventually take me over?  Does it mean I will end up resenting her or leaving her as so many have warned me I would?   I certainly hope not, but I wonder how much of my dreams I am sacrificing to remain with her.

For a long time I thought that even if my partner left me, I'd still never transition, that that ship had sailed.  I realized today that isn't the case anymore - that I've changed.

I feel some sense of dread about it and it has made me redouble my efforts to find a way to learn to live with this condition so it does not consume me and my family.  I love my partner, and want to grow old with her.  I just wish I could do so as my whole self.