It took a month of screwing up, but I'm back on track. While I'm not totally sure what took me off the path, I have a good feeling I know part of it. My partner is pregnant and incredibly sensitive at the moment. Even though she knows what I am trying to do is for the best for my mental wellbeing, and by that what is also best for my long term mental health for my family, she gets freaked out very easily by the steps I am taking. At her best, she constantly fears my actions will bring shame or suspicion on her, at her worst, she worries I will leave her and transition. She had an extremely difficult period after my first month of progress, and I had to put on the most stoic face for her and push my issues to the very back of my mind.
She is stable enough now I can begin to think about what I need to do for me. Fortunately, I came to before my dysphoria became too overwhelming.
I began to think today of what I'm looking forward to and I know some of it may seem silly, but it really motivates me:
- I'm looking forward to looking in the mirror and appreciating some aspects of my body instead of totally resenting it.
- I'm looking forward to wearing clothing that isn't just, "what's lying around," but rather things I put together that accentuate my look and make me feel good about myself.
- I'm looking forward to my hair being longer finally.
- I'm looking forward to coming out generally to everyone, so I no longer feel I have to pretend to be "normal" for those in my life who don't know.
- I'm looking forward to being more active in the community of other trans people, seeking to make changes politically to aid in better understanding of our condition, something I am limited in doing now since I'm still in the closet mostly.
- I'm looking forward to being ma'am'd occasionally based on my new look even if I am not fully transitioning.
- I'm looking forward to being myself on my online games, especially those that use voice chat.
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