I used to think that escaping was counter productive, that if there was a problem in your life, escaping only exacerbated it. Due to this, I stopped everything that I was using as an escape on November 12th. Previous to that date, I was escaping constantly. I was so afraid to confront the reality of my situation that I would try to lose myself every waking moment in a game, TV show, or excessive eating. On November 12th, I decided I had escaped enough and faced my fears and problems. It wasn't easy, there was a ton of emotional upheaval, and it caused (inevitable) problems in my relationship with my partner. It has been several months since then and while I have not been perfect, I've been consistently taking steps to solve the problems posed by my creeping gender dysphoria (as I've chronicled in this blog).
So I used to think that escaping was counter productive, that if there was a problem in your life, escaping only exacerbated it. I wasn't wholly off to be honest, but I have since refined my view. Once you have a plan in place, once you are taking the necessary steps to actually DEAL with the problems in your life, it is okay to take the edge off with a little escape so long as it doesn't set you backwards toward your goals.
I began playing my favorite video game again, League of Legends (LoL), a few months ago once I gave myself permission to engage in escaping again. I made rules though - in order to be allowed to play, I had to make sure I was doing everything else I needed to be doing and LoL wasn't distracting me from my ultimate goals. I realized however that I WAS going backwards. In the game, I often play online with a team of people, a team that only knows me as male, only knows my male voice when we coordinate via VoIP I am aware that currently I must be male in real life, but why shouldn't I be able to be myself online? I already took steps to change my whole online presence to Just Kate, but hadn't on my favorite game? I punish myself and potentially provoke additional dysphoria?
I created a thread on the official forums explaining that I was transgendered and was looking for team to play with on VoIP who would be accepting. I got several negative posts, including "kill yourself" etc, but when I got home that night I had nearly 25 new friend requests who wanted to play with me for being me. Surprisingly, only three of them were other trans people. The rest were cis people who were supportive. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of support.
Now, when I get online to play, I get to play exclusively with accepting and supportive people. It has become one of the most positive environments I've experienced. I am still working on my goals, but if I need a break from the dysphoria, I have the perfect place to unwind.
Moral: Escaping is bad if you aren't actively trying to fix the source of your problems. If you are doing what you can, escaping can be a great relief from the stresses caused by the problems you are actively trying to fix.
Just to say that I began playing the game myself after I read your post (purely out of curiosity). It's cool but it kind of gets a bit repetitive after a little while, I think. Perhaps investing some money would get me more interesting champions but the gameplay wouldn't change, would it?
ReplyDeleteI've been playing on PlayDom's game portal for about 6 months now as my femme self; I started playing Avengers Alliance (which is fun), but they've got some other great games that are a little more geared to girlish tastes (City Girl is kinda fun, sort of a cross between the Sims and an RPG). I agree that it's pretty awesome to have at least one place I can go and "let me hair down" without having to worry about what people will think of me.
ReplyDelete