New Understandings and a New Start

I realize I am happiest when I am myself and I've felt like myself again for a few days for the first time in a while.  Numbing myself to the pain and shame has only numbed me from being the person I love to be.  I'm so grateful for some wonderful friends who have texted me and talked to me on the phone from a mailing list I adore.  I hope they know that I love them very much.

I used to associate my extremely caring and kind side with my female side.  I made primitive associations that I couldn't be that way and male at the same time (very sexist I know), however I've realized that it is when I am true to myself (which self happens to be associated with being female) that my true nature, the very caring and kind part, comes out.  It isn't about "being a girl" that makes me want to hug the world, it is about "being myself" and believing I am okay.

I feel like the easiest explanation and one that helps me the most is to identify myself as a person with an intersexed condition.  I have a biologically male body and I most likely have a biologically female brain (or at least female in the sexually dimorphic areas).  I say "most likely" because I've never had my brain physically checked and likely won't in this lifetime, but if the research is to be believed concerning my condition, it is very likely my brain is female.

So what do I do about it?  I'll own it.  I won't just come out to people like in the past basically saying, "By the way, before you think you like me, I need you to know this terrible problem I have."  That was a mistake, and though I've been out, I've still been treating it as a shameful part of me that made me unworthy of love.

I'm going to be me and not be ashamed of it.  I won't just "admit" that I'm trans to others so they can get their hostilities out of the way up front, I'll own it, love myself for my differences, believe that they add to my character, and be able to more fully love those around me.  This will in turn encourage them to love me back for being myself.

I had a long talk with my spouse tonight about this new understanding and she believes I am on to something with all of this.  She says I haven't been the me she loved for a long time, and I believe it is because I have been shutting myself down (numbing myself) to deal with the pain of the dysphoria.  Well no more.
I'm Kate, I was born with a male body, but there is nothing wrong with me.

Kate