Backsliding

It has been a while since I've updated my blog due to backsliding on my commitments to myself.  Why did I backslide?  Because I started feeling good.  I know it may sound weird, but much of what I am doing here to is help me feel relief from my dysphoria - not just in the short term but in the long run.  The whole reason for my new take on how to deal with my dysphoria is to find a long term treatment to minimize its negative impact on my life.

Unfortunately when I start to feel better, such as what happened just after my month 1 update, I stop feeling so dysphoric and stop doing the things I need to do to keep up with my goals.  My dysphoria hasn't fully returned yet, but it is looming and I know it will only worsen if I do not recommit myself.

In this lull from my dysphoria, things have improved with my partner dramatically.  Since I'm not down all the time, she has come again to rely on me emotionally albeit she is still "waiting for the show to drop" as to when I will become emotionally unstable again as she puts it.  I have not shaved in over a week and haven't kept up with my eyebrows or face cleaning either.  I have gained about 3 lbs in the last 2 weeks instead of losing an additional 4 putting me about 6 lbs behind my goal.  I've exercised, but not nearly as often and for only about 20 minutes at a time.  I still haven't had a Coke but I started to drink Snapple tea - something that I've realized it just as bad for me.  And while I am still a vegetarian, I 've found myself eating out more and more and supplementing my diet with flavored chips (totally worthless calories).

So that's it!  I have learned a few things in this period that I hope will help me make it for the long haul.  I cannot purchase bagged chips or really any kind of flavored chips.  They are too easy to grab for a snack and too easy to eat too many of.  Secondly, no more tea.  It has almost as many calories as Coke and I feel the potential to get quite addicted to it too.  Also I need to limit my eating out to one time a week if at all possible.

I must keep up a 5 day a week workout routine and not let myself slide on it - even if it is just 20 minutes a day.  While it isn't pragmatic to shave every day, I need to do it at least twice a week - before work on Monday and before the weekend begins on Friday.  I'll feel a lot better about myself for sure.  During those times I can keep up my eyebrows from going all bushy again.  Additionally, since I'll be going to the effort to keep up my appearance more regularly, I can afford to dress up on those days too.  Tomorrow is Friday, so tomorrow I'll go all out! :)

Finally I will update my blog at LEAST once a week but attempt to do it as often as I have something to say.

My next goal is to hit 189 lbs.  At that weight I will no longer be overweight for my height - a huge achievement for me as it will mean I have lost close to 25 lbs.  I figure, if I start doing everything right, I can hit that goal before the end of January so time to get on it!  If I hit my goal, I will allow myself to buy myself a few more pieces of androgynous clothing to wear as part of my regular wardrobe.  I'll be even more motivated to keep up my appearance then!