Week 3 Update

I got under 200 lbs today and I'm so excited.  In 3 weeks I've lost over 13 lbs.  Only 45 more to go to get back to looking like I want to look again.  It's been strange, but I don't feel the need for hormones I once felt.  3 weeks ago I set up the appointment with my doctor to get estrogen prescribed to me again because I felt it would help with my body dysmorphia and anxiety.  And while it is true it would be a great help, there are also significant health risks for me, including fatal ones due to blood clotting.  My dysmorphia is under control right now I think largely because of the continued steps I've taken to improve my body.  Don't get me wrong though, I still see "disgusting" when I look in the mirror, but I'm kind of holding on to this hope that I won't have to look that way forever.

I've kept my eyebrows up, kept up with my facial cleansing and flossing (which can be very difficult to motivate myself to do).  I'm not pursuing meat still and have been cooking at home more often (once we finished with the Thanksgiving leftovers).

I've actually been motivated to clean house - something I usually LOVE to do, but it can be very difficult to get motivated when I'm depressed over the state of my own body.  I really want a clean house so badly.  It would be a source of pride to go home to it each day.

Speaking of the house, it has been the biggest focus this week.  I realized as I was doing the budget for this month that we would likely not have enough money coming in for both the baby and to keep the house.  We realized we need to start taking steps to sell it, or perhaps rent it for a few years while we get more financially stable.  This news has devastated my partner who is very attached to the horses we have on the property, and while we won't have to get rid of them because we can board them elsewhere, the idea of not being with a cherished pet everyday is crushing her.  I've spent very little energy trying to deal with my own dysphoria because I've been so focused on her.  I've had to bury my feelings, but I know the reprisal of them will be worse for having not given them enough attention.

I'm hoping I can make it to Saturday when I get to see my cousin again.  There, I can be myself without reservation - even if I don't look quite right yet, at least I'll be accepted for who I am.