I apologize for the lack of updates as of late - I've been extremely focused elsewhere - mostly on my partner. My partner is growing more and more concerned about the changes to my body and to my intentions as I progress toward my goals. Up to this point I've told her to trust me, that I wasn't going to transition even if it looked like I was. She has been pretty emotional of late due to being pregnant and off her anxiety meds, so I've been trying to focus on keeping her calm.
She revels in owning and living near her horse as it brings her a lot of happiness and peace, but unfortunately due to financial strains brought on by the new baby, we might not be able to keep the house and must move to an apartment where she will no longer be with her horse. She was understandably devastated when I told her about our financial situation, and I spent the next several days doing my best to be as kind to her as possible - even to the complete neglect of my dysphoria which was growing in intensity over the period.
Earlier this week my dysphoria got the best of me and I needed someone to cry to. Unfortunately, I cried to her and in so doing, scared her to death. As part of my emotional outburst I told her, "well I won't have to worry about what other's think soon, because everyone will know." She asked me what I meant by that so I felt compelled to explain to her that part of my steps I'm taking to deal with my dysphoria involved me coming out to everyone and I mean EVERYONE. Job, friends, facebook, everything. She lost it emotionally. I tried to calm her down, but it didn't work. I didn't know it, but that night she began not to trust me.
Flash forward to this past weekend - I went to visit my trans cousin, a visit that had been planned for several weeks and a productive one at that. My partner knew I was going, but there was apparently some misunderstanding of how long I'd be gone. She tried to contact me while I was at a movie around 8pm, and when I didn't answer her, she had the most epic freak out I've ever witnessed from her. She thought the worst, that maybe I was out as a female at a club picking people up. I've never given her a reason not to trust me, so obviously this was concerning to me. She revealed in the course of our conversation as I traveled home that night, that she didn't know if she could completely trust me not to transition. Now I was devastated. Everything I had been doing was in an attempt to find happiness without going full time, but suddenly I was being doubted by the very rock I've chosen to stand on.
Our relationship has taken a terrible hit as a result of all this. I don't know if it will have any lasting implications, but it certainly made me feel terrible. I am the poison in her life. I wish it wasn't so, but I am the cause of her greatest sadness and anxiety. The worst part is I realize it, but I'm clueless how to fix it. I have to deal with my dysphoria before it destroys my relationship and before it destroys me. I just need her to trust me long enough to get there.
I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch. I'm kind of in a similar boat, in that I have no plans to transition, but desperately need to find ways to curb the dysphoria that don't make my darling freak out (and considering she's pretty conservative, that's tricky, even though she knows my motivation).
ReplyDeleteThis may be an obvious question, and I don't mean anything negative by asking it, but have you had a conversation with her about setting boundaries, so she knows what you are (and aren't) planning? Then when something like this happens again, you can remind her of the agreement/commitment you made together, and reassure her that you intend to stick to it. Maybe it wouldn't help (maybe you've tried it already), but I thought I'd mention it.
I've also found the possibility of coming out at work / church / etc to be weighing on my mind quite a lot lately. On the one hand, I want to feel free to be myself everywhere, but on the other hand, I'm terrified about the potential social and professional consequences of that action, to say nothing of what DW would say.