Money blows

Today had its ups and downs.  I guess everyday does, but recently it seems to be a lot more rocky.  My partner and I had a rough spot concerning money.  It looks like we might not be able to keep the house, and I talked to her at length about how bad I felt agreeing to buy it when I knew it wasn't the best financial decision for us.  We are planning for the baby and the unexpected expenses keep pouring in.  At this rate, we might not be able to hold on to what we have without serious sacrifice.  I'm just not sure it is worth it.  All I want is her to be happy, but I cannot live in a place that makes me so unhappy.

I hope she warms up to the idea.  It's time to get to cleaning the place to prepare it for sale.  I figure we can get an apartment in the city, board her horse elsewhere and buy her a truck with some of the equity from the sale so she can take her horse out all the time.  I hope its enough because I feel like I'm crushing her dreams - even if only temporarily.  I do want to move back out to the country, to buy a place with land, but the house has to be livable and not falling apart around us and not tornado fodder either.  I think regrouping financially in an apartment is the best solution, especially during the period when the baby will be the most expensive.  Once we better establish ourselves, we can then look for a more permanent place to call home.

The stress of the money situation started to trigger my gender dysphoria and feelings of despair.  I had this plan to share with her a voice recording of myself telling her how much I care about her, but using my real voice, speaking to her from my heart of hearts.  I started to feel it was stupid and would only make her feel worse.  I then started to get down on myself that I'd ever be accepted for who I really am.

Despite the downs today, I got home and my treadmill worked!  It has been a while since I got it to work, but today it did, so I got on it and ran for 25 minutes!  I was afraid I'd miss my workout today with my friends so it was a big deal that I got it in.  That seemed to pull me out of whatever funk the day had created and until I watched an extremely sad episode of Glee about break ups, I was in a pretty good mood.  I guess I still am...

 Stupid Glee. :P