When I was a child I had a vision of the woman I wanted to be when I grew up, and as I grew older I refined that vision. My transition was an attempt to fulfill my greatest dream, however when it ended, I gave up the whole of the vision unfortunately and became only a shell of myself.
This is evident when one considers my grooming practices. Often times I'd look at the mirror and be terribly disappointed what what I saw. I'd think, "I'd look better if I wore my contacts, or did my hair different, etc." Inevitably though I'd start to think, "What's the point? No amount of grooming is ever going to make me look the way I should," so I'd give up entirely. Year after year I'd let myself go a little more.
This happened to me more than just in grooming habits, but in the way I treated others, and in how I respected myself. Each year I got further from where I wanted to be. I became colder, less feeling, less respectful, and more depressed.
I tied up my sense of self worth in fulfilling duties of my church, my work, and later, my partner. It seemed I could ignore myself if I helped everyone else reach their goals.
I realize now though that I didn't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I didn't have to give up all the attributes I held to be important JUST because I would never reach my ultimate dream.
I've decided to take steps now to becoming the person I was always meant to be. I'm hoping it will allow others to see the real me, rather than the little flashes I give occasionally, and I'll find peace in the person I become.
I'll have to do a blog post painting a picture of who I am in my head. Maybe it will help others see me the way I see myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment