I realized something sort of profound recently - at least profound to me. If you ask anyone who knows me, I have almost always been an avid soda drinker. I never really considered why, just that I really liked them and I was thirsty often. I didn't really need them for energy, so whether they were caffeinated or not wasn't really important.
Despite the presence of caffeine, I was an addict. I'd drink an average of 3 a day, 5 when getting together with friends. If I went even one day without a Coke, I became audible about needing one. After I got the news about GID being removed from the DSM, I began drinking even more. In fact, the week leading up to my major change, I was drinking an average of 6 a day and actually drank 10 the day before I started this new path.
I realize now that the sodas provided an endorphin/dopamine release. I was literally using them to reduce stress and anxiety. It was, at times, the only thing that made me feel good. I think all of us have heard of trans people who dealt with their gender dysphoria by drinking alcohol or using drugs. I never associated my own behaviors with drug use, but they were in fact, similar. I've never drank alcohol or used illegal drugs, so I suppose sodas were the closest I got, but they served the same purpose for me - to reduce anxiety.
It's amazing that since I started this new path, I haven't had a single Coke - not a single soda at all and only really felt a desire for one yesterday when I was feeling rather depressed over my temporary lack of progression.
I never thought that my excessive soda drinking was tied to my dysphoria, but I really believe it was. It just goes to show how pervasive this problem is and how many facets of my life it has reached into. I can only hope my current goal and choices will lead to a life less riddled with dysphoric despair.
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