Energy Transfer

I'm very proud of myself for something I did Saturday morning.  Friday night I was visiting a friend with my partner and we had taken separate cars to get there.  My partner got very tired, and I was worried she wouldn't get home safely if left to drive by herself.  I volunteered to back with her in her car leaving mine 30 miles away.

When I made this decision I forgot that I had my first 2 mile run with my running friends the next morning at 7 am.  I cannot drive my partner's car because it is a stick shift and had no real way to get there.  I sent my running friends a text to the extent that I wouldn't be able to make it and went to bed.

I still set my alarm to get up in the morning and was exhausted having gotten in so late the previous night.  I figured I'd go back to sleep when one of my running buddies called me and said he'd give me a ride to the run if I wanted one.  At that moment I had the opportunity to come up with 1,000 excuses why I couldn't run with them and make promises that I'd run on my own later.  I had the opportunity, and in the past I would have taken it, but that morning, still lying in bed 15 minutes before the run was to start, I accepted his offer.  I got up, got ready quickly, and made it to the run and I ran that whole two miles with no food on my stomach after having just taken my bone meds.

Why is this significant?  Previously, I'd have never done that.  I'd have made the excuse; I'd have just given up.  Likely had I not made that run, I might have started making excuses for future runs - runs that I NEED to become myself, to be happier and less anxious about my body.

This is just one example of many little decisions I've made this past week to do what I needed to do and not make excuses.  I've had the energy to do it, because I've stopped using so much energy fighting the internal battle over my gender.  I've accepted that I am a girl, something that is, and really should have always been, beyond contestation.  Freeing up those mental and emotional resources has provided me with so much energy and motivation to succeed!  In fact, I can hardly hold myself back from charging toward the being person I was always meant to be.  I cannot be held back, I feel more motivated than ever and free from so much heartache and stress that once dragged me down daily.

I'm finally taking responsibility for my own happiness.  I cannot wait for the next step!