"I have a lot to do..."

So as many are aware, I've set goals to be reached by June.  Why June?  First off, my first child will be born at the end of May.  I figure if I'm going to be successful at making any major life changes, it needs to be before the baby is born.  I have a feeling that once the baby is here, it will be difficult to do much of anything but care for it.  If I don't have excellent supports in place by then with regard to my gender dysphoria, anxiety, and depression, it's only going to be that much harder then.  The second reason is that it takes time to lose weight and losing almost 60 lbs is no small undertaking.  I am losing it like crazy right now (already down over 10 lbs in less than 2 weeks) but I know these gains cannot last, and I assumed I could lose an average of 2 lbs a week.  At least my little 'Lose It!' app says I can. ;)

These last two weeks have not been without trial.  Overall, steadily making progress has been a great motivator and my anxiety has dropped tremendously, but there have been some drawbacks as well.  Thanksgiving was a real chore to be honest.  Feeling like I was stagnating was very bad and actually provoked me to want to give up and start going backwards.  I never wanted a Coke more than Thanksgiving.  At least, from that experience, I learned I cannot let things get stale, and I have to keep moving toward my goals.

My partner has already started having difficulties (yes this early).  I've started caring for my hair and using facial cleansers regularly.  Additionally I shave nearly every day and have been wearing my contacts.  Couple all those things with the weight loss, I'm already looking quite different than the person I previously was presenting as.  That difference in perception has been causing her anxiety over my appearance even though I am definitely still male looking.

The other night a friend of a friend (someone who doesn't know my trans background and is relatively new to the group) commented that it looked like I was wearing makeup (I wasn't and haven't in over 10 years), that I have very even-toned skin (guilty as charged), and that she would love to do my hair (sounded fun).  My partner was present when this happened, so afterwards she asked me if maybe I could tone down on keeping up my appearance.  She was afraid other people might think I was wearing make up and it would poorly reflect on her.

My concern is that, if comments like that can get her anxiety up now, what will she do when I'm 50 lbs lighter, have hair that is longer and actually cut appropriately and styled, and actually look like I did back when I ended transition?  I could pass as a girl back then no make up in a t-shirt and jeans and it is likely that might happen again.  Needless to say, this is a worry for me - she has no idea how different I'm about to look and that doesn't even include when I'm actually allowing myself feminine expression.

So as I titled this, "I've got a lot to do," I know that the end result of this is being as happy as I can with my body without any additional surgeries, and to be happier socially as people accept me for who I really am without me actually living full time as a female.  To do this, I intend to live as a girl part time, and all the time present androgynously and be out about my transsexuality.  Before this can happen though, I need to, in no particular order, get my voice back to where it used to be, buy a wardrobe (after I've lost enough weight) for both female and androgynous presentation, research hair styles flattering for me that I could use both in girl and androgynous form, and learn some more advanced make up techniques for when I present as female.

During this time I also intend to restart hormones despite my deadly blood condition with my doc's help as well as start permanent hair removal.  I don't consider either one of those a necessity by June though to feel I've accomplished my goals.

It is a ton to do!  I've done it all before, but relearning is going to be a chore and this time, I don't have a million 20-something year old girls excited to show me the ropes.  In the end, it will be worth it for my mental stability, but I worry my partner might lose it in the process despite my attempts to honor her wishes (and my promise) that I never transition.