I don't wanna be left behindThis song could not have come around at a more perfect time for me. It really describes my current feelings about my life. I spend so much energy and effort being someone I'm not. Its exhausting and I'm don't have the energy to pursue the things that are really important to me. I feel like I'm always chasing my dreams but they keep gaining more and more distance on me. To catch up to them, I must let go of the weight of being something I'm not.
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I've spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I've spent most of my time
Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right
Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now
Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith kinda comes around
I will spent the rest of my life
Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right
Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now
You helped me see
The beauty in everything
Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right
Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right
Catch my breath!
Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now (it's all so simple now!)
Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right
Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now
Kelly Clarkson Catch My Breath lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/kelly-clarkson-catch-my-breath-lyrics.html
Among some transgender people I know the phrase, "catching your breath" or "coming up for air" is the way we see the moments where we get to be ourselves. The rest of the time, we are holding our breath or are underwater while we live our lives the way we are "supposed" to live them.
But I've spent most of my life, keeping my real self down for the sake of the images I've created for others in order to protect them from the truth about me - like I'm some sort of poison or danger to them. I've done mental acrobatics, I've weaved lies upon lies, I've beat the hell out of my real self to keep it from showing. This is complete idiocy! This is my life! How can it be wrong? Shouldn't people WANT to get to know me? Why do I feel the need to protect them? Those who would be disappointed in me aren't worth my time anymore, and I'll devote my time and energies to those who deserve it.
I've spent too much time listening to others tell me what is "right" and "wrong" about me. Those people and entities will have their opinions, but I cannot let their opinions dictate my future actions. I cannot let my inhibitions or the opinions of others hold me back. My blood disorder showed me how mortal I really am, how I need to act - I just don't have time to mill about treading water and only catching my breath when I absolutely have to. Living just barely above water is no way to live. Breathing is so simple, trying to keep myself underwater isn't.
I want to start enjoying my life as me. I want to spend the rest of my life living the way I was always meant to. There won't be a need to catch my breath because I'll be completely free to breathe. When I am myself everything is better, my normally heavy heart is like a weightless cloud, colors are more vivid, feelings mean more, I can love others more freely, and reality is just so much more real rather than that way it looks when it is constantly being put through the lens of the show I put on.
The only thing I believe I have a responsibility to do is to keep is my word to my partner whom I love and adore. Even if that promise was made in folly, it is still a promise I made, and one she based a very important decision in her life on. She wants a male bodied person: that is something I can provide even if I finally allow others to see me as myself and spend the rest of my life as me (even if my body isn't a perfect match).
I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it! I'm not going to lose this fight! I'll die trying!!
That is the promise I'm making to myself.
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