Could Hormones be in my Future?

I met with my doctor on the 13th this month for a physical, but the real reason was to ask her about potentially getting back on hormones.  I explained my situation with my dysphoria and how bad it has been getting - especially after I got diagnosed with Protein S Deficiency and had to stop hormones.  She listened intently then confessed that she too has a blood clotting disorder albeit not as deadly as mine and that her HRT (for menopause) was dangerous to her as well, but that if she didn't have HRT she couldn't function.  She knows the risks for herself, but to maintain her quality of life and her practice, she continued with her HRT.  She then admitted that it is probably much the same for me.  That while the risk to me is potentially great, the quality of life improvement may be worth it.  I told her that is exactly how I feel.

She told me that she would get the ball rolling for me - that she would talk to three open minded doctors so that they could all coordinate together - a bone doctor, an endo, and a blood doctor.  With all three doctors monitoring me and sharing information, they should be able to help me manage my risk of deadly blood clots as well as my osteoporosis (which my doctor admitted should be repaired once on HRT again).

I'm staying cautiously optimistic that this will work.  I'll be going on the lowest dose of estrogen possible to maintain my bone density and minimize my blood clot risk.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed this all works out for the best!

Backsliding

It has been a while since I've updated my blog due to backsliding on my commitments to myself.  Why did I backslide?  Because I started feeling good.  I know it may sound weird, but much of what I am doing here to is help me feel relief from my dysphoria - not just in the short term but in the long run.  The whole reason for my new take on how to deal with my dysphoria is to find a long term treatment to minimize its negative impact on my life.

Unfortunately when I start to feel better, such as what happened just after my month 1 update, I stop feeling so dysphoric and stop doing the things I need to do to keep up with my goals.  My dysphoria hasn't fully returned yet, but it is looming and I know it will only worsen if I do not recommit myself.

In this lull from my dysphoria, things have improved with my partner dramatically.  Since I'm not down all the time, she has come again to rely on me emotionally albeit she is still "waiting for the show to drop" as to when I will become emotionally unstable again as she puts it.  I have not shaved in over a week and haven't kept up with my eyebrows or face cleaning either.  I have gained about 3 lbs in the last 2 weeks instead of losing an additional 4 putting me about 6 lbs behind my goal.  I've exercised, but not nearly as often and for only about 20 minutes at a time.  I still haven't had a Coke but I started to drink Snapple tea - something that I've realized it just as bad for me.  And while I am still a vegetarian, I 've found myself eating out more and more and supplementing my diet with flavored chips (totally worthless calories).

So that's it!  I have learned a few things in this period that I hope will help me make it for the long haul.  I cannot purchase bagged chips or really any kind of flavored chips.  They are too easy to grab for a snack and too easy to eat too many of.  Secondly, no more tea.  It has almost as many calories as Coke and I feel the potential to get quite addicted to it too.  Also I need to limit my eating out to one time a week if at all possible.

I must keep up a 5 day a week workout routine and not let myself slide on it - even if it is just 20 minutes a day.  While it isn't pragmatic to shave every day, I need to do it at least twice a week - before work on Monday and before the weekend begins on Friday.  I'll feel a lot better about myself for sure.  During those times I can keep up my eyebrows from going all bushy again.  Additionally, since I'll be going to the effort to keep up my appearance more regularly, I can afford to dress up on those days too.  Tomorrow is Friday, so tomorrow I'll go all out! :)

Finally I will update my blog at LEAST once a week but attempt to do it as often as I have something to say.

My next goal is to hit 189 lbs.  At that weight I will no longer be overweight for my height - a huge achievement for me as it will mean I have lost close to 25 lbs.  I figure, if I start doing everything right, I can hit that goal before the end of January so time to get on it!  If I hit my goal, I will allow myself to buy myself a few more pieces of androgynous clothing to wear as part of my regular wardrobe.  I'll be even more motivated to keep up my appearance then!

Month 1 Update

Well, it has been a month and I'm still trucking along with my plans.  It hasn't been without difficulty or heartache.  My partner is struggling with my choices even if they do not include complete transition.  When I started this, I didn't have much of a plan in mind.  I just needed to do something to be closer to my true self without actually transitioning fully.  Since then I have a more refined picture of what my end goals are and due to my progress, I'm getting more confident that I will attain those goals.  Because this is a work in progress, clearly the goals will change over time.

At this point, I intend to do the following:

1. Live an androgynous lifestyle - this include at work, at home, and in public.
2. Present as female at transgendered events or with other transgendered people.
3. Come out to everyone that I am transgender so they understand my motivations and I can be more free to be myself.

Part three is probably the most important part.  Being truly out would allow me to speak on transgendered issues, to promote understanding, and be a positive representative of the community.  The idea of coming out to everyone in my life really troubles my partner though.  I'm a little intimidated myself, but I feel it is very important I stop pretending.

So as far as what I've accomplished in month 1:

• I've lost over 17 lbs.
• I'm a vegetarian now.
• I've been changing my online presence everywhere from male to female or androgynous.
• I've come out to close friends who have been a great support to me.
• I've worked out a plan of action to achieve my goals.
• I've been researching a lot on how to better present androgynously.
• I've worked to keep my relationship with my partner positive and hormonious, though I haven't been perfect at it.
• I've worked out at least 5 times a week.
• I've worked to be a kinder, more positive influence with others, though I need to remember to continue this even when down or beaten up by my dysphoria
• I've kept up my blog with at least a post a week.

Month 2 here I come!

Where Do I Even Begin?

I apologize for the lack of updates as of late - I've been extremely focused elsewhere - mostly on my partner.  My partner is growing more and more concerned about the changes to my body and to my intentions as I progress toward my goals.  Up to this point I've told her to trust me, that I wasn't going to transition even if it looked like I was.  She has been pretty emotional of late due to being pregnant and off her anxiety meds, so I've been trying to focus on keeping her calm.

She revels in owning and living near her horse as it brings her a lot of happiness and peace, but unfortunately due to financial strains brought on by the new baby, we might not be able to keep the house and must move to an apartment where she will no longer be with her horse.  She was understandably devastated when I told her about our financial situation, and I spent the next several days doing my best to be as kind to her as possible - even to the complete neglect of my dysphoria which was growing in intensity over the period.

Earlier this week my dysphoria got the best of me and I needed someone to cry to.  Unfortunately, I cried to her and in so doing, scared her to death.  As part of my emotional outburst I told her, "well I won't have to worry about what other's think soon, because everyone will know."  She asked me what I meant by that so I felt compelled to explain to her that part of my steps I'm taking to deal with my dysphoria involved me coming out to everyone and I mean EVERYONE.  Job, friends, facebook, everything.  She lost it emotionally.  I tried to calm her down, but it didn't work.  I didn't know it, but that night she began not to trust me.

Flash forward to this past weekend - I went to visit my trans cousin, a visit that had been planned for several weeks and a productive one at that.  My partner knew I was going, but there was apparently some misunderstanding of how long I'd be gone.  She tried to contact me while I was at a movie around 8pm, and when I didn't answer her, she had the most epic freak out I've ever witnessed from her.  She thought the worst, that maybe I was out as a female at a club picking people up.  I've never given her a reason not to trust me, so obviously this was concerning to me.  She revealed in the course of our conversation as I traveled home that night, that she didn't know if she could completely trust me not to transition.  Now I was devastated.  Everything I had been doing was in an attempt to find happiness without going full time, but suddenly I was being doubted by the very rock I've chosen to stand on.

Our relationship has taken a terrible hit as a result of all this.  I don't know if it will have any lasting implications, but it certainly made me feel terrible.  I am the poison in her life.  I wish it wasn't so, but I am the cause of her greatest sadness and anxiety.  The worst part is I realize it, but I'm clueless how to fix it.  I have to deal with my dysphoria before it destroys my relationship and before it destroys me.  I just need her to trust me long enough to get there.

Week 3 Update

I got under 200 lbs today and I'm so excited.  In 3 weeks I've lost over 13 lbs.  Only 45 more to go to get back to looking like I want to look again.  It's been strange, but I don't feel the need for hormones I once felt.  3 weeks ago I set up the appointment with my doctor to get estrogen prescribed to me again because I felt it would help with my body dysmorphia and anxiety.  And while it is true it would be a great help, there are also significant health risks for me, including fatal ones due to blood clotting.  My dysmorphia is under control right now I think largely because of the continued steps I've taken to improve my body.  Don't get me wrong though, I still see "disgusting" when I look in the mirror, but I'm kind of holding on to this hope that I won't have to look that way forever.

I've kept my eyebrows up, kept up with my facial cleansing and flossing (which can be very difficult to motivate myself to do).  I'm not pursuing meat still and have been cooking at home more often (once we finished with the Thanksgiving leftovers).

I've actually been motivated to clean house - something I usually LOVE to do, but it can be very difficult to get motivated when I'm depressed over the state of my own body.  I really want a clean house so badly.  It would be a source of pride to go home to it each day.

Speaking of the house, it has been the biggest focus this week.  I realized as I was doing the budget for this month that we would likely not have enough money coming in for both the baby and to keep the house.  We realized we need to start taking steps to sell it, or perhaps rent it for a few years while we get more financially stable.  This news has devastated my partner who is very attached to the horses we have on the property, and while we won't have to get rid of them because we can board them elsewhere, the idea of not being with a cherished pet everyday is crushing her.  I've spent very little energy trying to deal with my own dysphoria because I've been so focused on her.  I've had to bury my feelings, but I know the reprisal of them will be worse for having not given them enough attention.

I'm hoping I can make it to Saturday when I get to see my cousin again.  There, I can be myself without reservation - even if I don't look quite right yet, at least I'll be accepted for who I am.

Money blows

Today had its ups and downs.  I guess everyday does, but recently it seems to be a lot more rocky.  My partner and I had a rough spot concerning money.  It looks like we might not be able to keep the house, and I talked to her at length about how bad I felt agreeing to buy it when I knew it wasn't the best financial decision for us.  We are planning for the baby and the unexpected expenses keep pouring in.  At this rate, we might not be able to hold on to what we have without serious sacrifice.  I'm just not sure it is worth it.  All I want is her to be happy, but I cannot live in a place that makes me so unhappy.

I hope she warms up to the idea.  It's time to get to cleaning the place to prepare it for sale.  I figure we can get an apartment in the city, board her horse elsewhere and buy her a truck with some of the equity from the sale so she can take her horse out all the time.  I hope its enough because I feel like I'm crushing her dreams - even if only temporarily.  I do want to move back out to the country, to buy a place with land, but the house has to be livable and not falling apart around us and not tornado fodder either.  I think regrouping financially in an apartment is the best solution, especially during the period when the baby will be the most expensive.  Once we better establish ourselves, we can then look for a more permanent place to call home.

The stress of the money situation started to trigger my gender dysphoria and feelings of despair.  I had this plan to share with her a voice recording of myself telling her how much I care about her, but using my real voice, speaking to her from my heart of hearts.  I started to feel it was stupid and would only make her feel worse.  I then started to get down on myself that I'd ever be accepted for who I really am.

Despite the downs today, I got home and my treadmill worked!  It has been a while since I got it to work, but today it did, so I got on it and ran for 25 minutes!  I was afraid I'd miss my workout today with my friends so it was a big deal that I got it in.  That seemed to pull me out of whatever funk the day had created and until I watched an extremely sad episode of Glee about break ups, I was in a pretty good mood.  I guess I still am...

 Stupid Glee. :P

Week 2 Update

A lot has happened in week 2 and I've run the gamut of emotions.  Here are some of the highlights:

1. I am still running 5 times weekly at a faster pace than ever.
2. No sodas, still not seeking meat, and taking daily vitamins
3. I'm up to date on all medicines (for my blood and bones)
4. I learned that medical tape isn't painful pulling off.
5. I have added great shape and cleanliness to my eyebrows.
6. I have lost over 10 lbs now!
7. I learned that if I don't keep up progress daily, old habits start to become tempting.
8. I learned that much of the reason I was able to maintain myself for so long, is that tied my happiness up in making my partner happy.  I must now learn how to be happy on my own regardless of her current state of being.

I'll write more about number 8 soon - I'm still trying to figure out all I want to say concerning it.

Overall, great progress though!  I cannot wait to see how next week goes.

"I have a lot to do..."

So as many are aware, I've set goals to be reached by June.  Why June?  First off, my first child will be born at the end of May.  I figure if I'm going to be successful at making any major life changes, it needs to be before the baby is born.  I have a feeling that once the baby is here, it will be difficult to do much of anything but care for it.  If I don't have excellent supports in place by then with regard to my gender dysphoria, anxiety, and depression, it's only going to be that much harder then.  The second reason is that it takes time to lose weight and losing almost 60 lbs is no small undertaking.  I am losing it like crazy right now (already down over 10 lbs in less than 2 weeks) but I know these gains cannot last, and I assumed I could lose an average of 2 lbs a week.  At least my little 'Lose It!' app says I can. ;)

These last two weeks have not been without trial.  Overall, steadily making progress has been a great motivator and my anxiety has dropped tremendously, but there have been some drawbacks as well.  Thanksgiving was a real chore to be honest.  Feeling like I was stagnating was very bad and actually provoked me to want to give up and start going backwards.  I never wanted a Coke more than Thanksgiving.  At least, from that experience, I learned I cannot let things get stale, and I have to keep moving toward my goals.

My partner has already started having difficulties (yes this early).  I've started caring for my hair and using facial cleansers regularly.  Additionally I shave nearly every day and have been wearing my contacts.  Couple all those things with the weight loss, I'm already looking quite different than the person I previously was presenting as.  That difference in perception has been causing her anxiety over my appearance even though I am definitely still male looking.

The other night a friend of a friend (someone who doesn't know my trans background and is relatively new to the group) commented that it looked like I was wearing makeup (I wasn't and haven't in over 10 years), that I have very even-toned skin (guilty as charged), and that she would love to do my hair (sounded fun).  My partner was present when this happened, so afterwards she asked me if maybe I could tone down on keeping up my appearance.  She was afraid other people might think I was wearing make up and it would poorly reflect on her.

My concern is that, if comments like that can get her anxiety up now, what will she do when I'm 50 lbs lighter, have hair that is longer and actually cut appropriately and styled, and actually look like I did back when I ended transition?  I could pass as a girl back then no make up in a t-shirt and jeans and it is likely that might happen again.  Needless to say, this is a worry for me - she has no idea how different I'm about to look and that doesn't even include when I'm actually allowing myself feminine expression.

So as I titled this, "I've got a lot to do," I know that the end result of this is being as happy as I can with my body without any additional surgeries, and to be happier socially as people accept me for who I really am without me actually living full time as a female.  To do this, I intend to live as a girl part time, and all the time present androgynously and be out about my transsexuality.  Before this can happen though, I need to, in no particular order, get my voice back to where it used to be, buy a wardrobe (after I've lost enough weight) for both female and androgynous presentation, research hair styles flattering for me that I could use both in girl and androgynous form, and learn some more advanced make up techniques for when I present as female.

During this time I also intend to restart hormones despite my deadly blood condition with my doc's help as well as start permanent hair removal.  I don't consider either one of those a necessity by June though to feel I've accomplished my goals.

It is a ton to do!  I've done it all before, but relearning is going to be a chore and this time, I don't have a million 20-something year old girls excited to show me the ropes.  In the end, it will be worth it for my mental stability, but I worry my partner might lose it in the process despite my attempts to honor her wishes (and my promise) that I never transition.

My Addictions

I realized something sort of profound recently - at least profound to me.  If you ask anyone who knows me, I have almost always been an avid soda drinker.  I never really considered why, just that I really liked them and I was thirsty often.  I didn't really need them for energy, so whether they were caffeinated or not wasn't really important.

Despite the presence of caffeine, I was an addict.  I'd drink an average of 3 a day, 5 when getting together with friends.  If I went even one day without a Coke, I became audible about needing one.  After I got the news about GID being removed from the DSM, I began drinking even more.  In fact, the week leading up to my major change, I was drinking an average of 6 a day and actually drank 10 the day before I started this new path.

I realize now that the sodas provided an endorphin/dopamine release.  I was literally using them to reduce stress and anxiety.  It was, at times, the only thing that made me feel good.  I think all of us have heard of trans people who dealt with their gender dysphoria by drinking alcohol or using drugs.  I never associated my own behaviors with drug use, but they were in fact, similar.  I've never drank alcohol or used illegal drugs, so I suppose sodas were the closest I got, but they served the same purpose for me - to reduce anxiety.

It's amazing that since I started this new path, I haven't had a single Coke - not a single soda at all and only really felt a desire for one yesterday when I was feeling rather depressed over my temporary lack of progression.

I never thought that my excessive soda drinking was tied to my dysphoria, but I really believe it was.  It just goes to show how pervasive this problem is and how many facets of my life it has reached into.  I can only hope my current goal and choices will lead to a life less riddled with dysphoric despair.

Progression Required

Well this is an unfortunate side effect.

I've been extremely motivated  of late to reach my dreams and goals, to make a dedicated effort to be the person I am inside.  I've overcome several obstacles along the way, but I think I found one today that is really bugging me.

Being Thanksgiving we ate a lot.  I ate less than I otherwise would have but still ate more than is ideal for me right now on my weight loss track.  Due to continued shin split pain from my last two runs and the fact that everyone else is busy with their own Thanksgiving arrangements, I've taken the night off running.  I'm struggling because I don't feel like I've been actively working toward my goals today.  A day off can be nice I guess, but it is actually getting me a bit depressed.

Ever since beginning this path, I've opened myself up to triggers I normally lock down to prevent depression.  Not having my inner battle has relieved my anxiety somewhat, but I realize I have to stay motivated and focused or I start to feel depression coming on.

I'm not sure what to do today; its almost over, and I feel like I've been trapped all day.  I wish I had someone to talk to so I can just be myself for a little bit.  I feel a bit like my old self stuffing my real self down.

I've tried to think of the positive things like, your hair is getting longer, etc.  However each positive comment is followed with a negative one in my mind like, well it isn't long enough to get my split ends cut off and my hair looks ratty.  I guess I just need a pick me up, someone to help me refocus and tell me I'm going to make it.

Energy Transfer

I'm very proud of myself for something I did Saturday morning.  Friday night I was visiting a friend with my partner and we had taken separate cars to get there.  My partner got very tired, and I was worried she wouldn't get home safely if left to drive by herself.  I volunteered to back with her in her car leaving mine 30 miles away.

When I made this decision I forgot that I had my first 2 mile run with my running friends the next morning at 7 am.  I cannot drive my partner's car because it is a stick shift and had no real way to get there.  I sent my running friends a text to the extent that I wouldn't be able to make it and went to bed.

I still set my alarm to get up in the morning and was exhausted having gotten in so late the previous night.  I figured I'd go back to sleep when one of my running buddies called me and said he'd give me a ride to the run if I wanted one.  At that moment I had the opportunity to come up with 1,000 excuses why I couldn't run with them and make promises that I'd run on my own later.  I had the opportunity, and in the past I would have taken it, but that morning, still lying in bed 15 minutes before the run was to start, I accepted his offer.  I got up, got ready quickly, and made it to the run and I ran that whole two miles with no food on my stomach after having just taken my bone meds.

Why is this significant?  Previously, I'd have never done that.  I'd have made the excuse; I'd have just given up.  Likely had I not made that run, I might have started making excuses for future runs - runs that I NEED to become myself, to be happier and less anxious about my body.

This is just one example of many little decisions I've made this past week to do what I needed to do and not make excuses.  I've had the energy to do it, because I've stopped using so much energy fighting the internal battle over my gender.  I've accepted that I am a girl, something that is, and really should have always been, beyond contestation.  Freeing up those mental and emotional resources has provided me with so much energy and motivation to succeed!  In fact, I can hardly hold myself back from charging toward the being person I was always meant to be.  I cannot be held back, I feel more motivated than ever and free from so much heartache and stress that once dragged me down daily.

I'm finally taking responsibility for my own happiness.  I cannot wait for the next step!

Week 1 Update

It has been one week since I decided to stand up and take steps to finally being myself.  This week's accomplishments are:

1. I ran 5 times this week doing around 2 miles each time.
2. I have not had a soda, diet or otherwise for a week now.
3. I have not sought to eat meat in a week.
4. I scheduled my doctor's appointment to restart hormones.
5. I scheduled a regular blood check to keep my blood levels right for my new diet.
6. I have taken my bone meds this week without fail or excuse.
7. I started vitamins and have taken one daily for the whole week.
8. I took some initial measurements of myself to serve as a baseline for my progress.
9. I researched clothing that would be ideal for my body.
10. I got let my guard down for once a little time this week when I went to visit my trans cousin.
11. I have not allowed unsightly hair to reappear for long.
12. I started using facial cleansers to get rid of my acne and dry skin problems.
13. I learned how to blow dry my hair properly.
14. I discovered an anthem song to motivate me and keep me moving forward.
15. I have lost over 5 lbs.

I just have to keep up the progress.

I Won't Need to Catch My Breath - My Promise to Myself

Catch My Breath

I don't wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I've spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I've spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now

Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith kinda comes around
I will spent the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now

You helped me see
The beauty in everything

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath!

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now (it's all so simple now!)

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now
Kelly Clarkson Catch My Breath lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/kelly-clarkson-catch-my-breath-lyrics.html

This song could not have come around at a more perfect time for me.  It really describes my current feelings about my life.  I spend so much energy and effort being someone I'm not.  Its exhausting and I'm don't have the energy to pursue the things that are really important to me.  I feel like I'm always chasing my dreams but they keep gaining more and more distance on me.  To catch up to them, I must let go of the weight of being something I'm not.

Among some transgender people I know the phrase, "catching your breath" or "coming up for air" is the way we see the moments where we get to be ourselves.  The rest of the time, we are holding our breath or are underwater while we live our lives the way we are "supposed" to live them.

But I've spent most of my life, keeping my real self down for the sake of the images I've created for others in order to protect them from the truth about me - like I'm some sort of poison or danger to them.  I've done mental acrobatics, I've weaved lies upon lies, I've beat the hell out of my real self to keep it from showing. This is complete idiocy!  This is my life!  How can it be wrong?  Shouldn't people WANT to get to know me?  Why do I feel the need to protect them?  Those who would be disappointed in me aren't worth my time anymore, and I'll devote my time and energies to those who deserve it.

I've spent too much time listening to others tell me what is "right" and "wrong" about me.  Those people and entities will have their opinions, but I cannot let their opinions dictate my future actions.  I cannot let my inhibitions or the opinions of others hold me back.  My blood disorder showed me how mortal I really am, how I need to act - I just don't have time to mill about treading water and only catching my breath when I absolutely have to.  Living just barely above water is no way to live.  Breathing is so simple, trying to keep myself underwater isn't.

I want to start enjoying my life as me.  I want to spend the rest of my life living the way I was always meant to.  There won't be a need to catch my breath because I'll be completely free to breathe.  When I am myself everything is better, my normally heavy heart is like a weightless cloud, colors are more vivid, feelings mean more, I can love others more freely, and reality is just so much more real rather than that way it looks when it is constantly being put through the lens of the show I put on.

The only thing I believe I have a responsibility to do is to keep is my word to my partner whom I love and adore.  Even if that promise was made in folly, it is still a promise I made, and one she based a very important decision in her life on.  She wants a male bodied person: that is something I can provide even if I finally allow others to see me as myself and spend the rest of my life as me (even if my body isn't a perfect match).

I'm gonna make it!  I'm gonna make it!  I'm not going to lose this fight!  I'll die trying!! 

That is the promise I'm making to myself.

Crazy Day - I'm Not Alone!

Today started out like any normal Saturday.  Ok I'm lying, it didn't - I started this morning with a 2 mile jog.  I'm working hard to getting back to my true self and making my outside match my inside, so this morning I went for a 2 mile jog with some friends.  The jog was great and I went shopping with my partner for Thanksgiving food which was very different than usual since having gone vegetarian.  While out I picked up some more razors since I'll be shaving a lot more often, and a facial cleansers to finally get my skin back in good condition, and some medical tape.  If you don't know why I'd need medical tape, I'm not going to explain it to you. ;)

I was anxious today about TDOR (Transgender Day of Remembrance) which is tomorrow. as I intended to actually present as myself.  I was anxious because I felt the need to hide this from my partner considering her own reservations and incredible moodiness.  I noticed that this anxiety actually made me go back to more "male" reactions.  I was more moody, and I was more critical and harsh - everything I don't want to be, everything I have not been when I remember that I'm just Kate.

That changed this evening when I got a call from my cousin.  I haven't spoken to this cousin in years, but we discovered tonight we had something in common.  We are both trans.  I'm actually at her place right now typing this blog post at almost 3 am cause we spent the whole night talking.  I'm so glad not to feel so alone.  I only hope my presence has been as comforting for her as hers has been for me.

I'm so proud of the steps she is taking to find herself and it has been a real boost to me considering how out of sorts I felt all day.

Nothing incredibly perceptive in this blog post, but since I want to post one every day... there ya go!

The Actor (poetry)

Alone and sad I'm locked away
Far deep within the darkest cell:
A prison with no walls or chains,
Within my mind a living hell.

Perceptions of the world pass by;
I watch them from my mental cage,
But barred away from taking part
I let an actor take my stage.

He lives the life I've never known.
With him I can't identify.
The world accepts what they don't know
Is nothing but a living lie.

Because of him I can't be free,
And none can see that I exist,
But to remove him from his place
Is something that I dare not risk.

He lives a life that's not his own.
To take it is to kill the man.
And though he never should have lived,
Just who am I to say I can?

For even if I showed the truth,
I fear that they will just not see
The man I killed to show myself
Was really never truly me.

'cause though I might be fin'lly free,
It is not worth the risk I fear
To cause such pain to come about
And kill one others hold so dear.

I long to die but wish to live,
But trapped and buried I must stay
To save the sorrow caused to some
And let them love the lie I made.

Expression Deprivation - The Real Problem With Being Trans

A friend of mine sent me a link to a paper written by Anne Vitale, a transgendered researcher.  It really described for me for the first time what the real struggle with having GID is.  The problems really tend to come from anxiety and depression tied with not being able to express oneself truly.  I have been saying that same thing in so many words for years, so it is nice to have someone write about it more formally.  Here is the general gist of the paper so you have context.

ABSTRACT

Living in conflict with one of the basic tenets of existence (Am I male or am I female?) is understandably anxiety provoking. This fact leads me to suggest that Gender Identity Disorder as this conflict is described in the DSM IV, is not an appropriate descriptor. I suggest here as I have elsewhere (Vitale, 1997, 2001) that instead the condition be termed Gender Expression Deprivation Anxiety Disorder (GEDAD). After explaining my thinking on gender expression deprivation anxiety, I will describe how this anxiety, if left untreated, is manifested in each of the five developmental stages of life: confusion and rebellion in childhood, false hopes and disappointment in adolescence, hesitant compliance in early adulthood, feelings of self induced entrapment in middle age, and if still untreated, depression and resignation in old age.

I'll be quoting and discussing certain points within.

There is a growing body of evidence that Gender Identity Disorder (GID) as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV (DSM IV) (1994) is at least in part, the result of insufficient or inappropriate androgenization of the brain at a critical stage of embryonic development. As a result, the affected individual may be left with somewhere between a partial and a full sense of having a cross-sexed gender identity. Essentially creating a not-male, not-female but otherwise permanent gender variant condition. Even though there apparently are some individuals who fall very close to or dead-center on the gender identity spectrum, most gender variant people can easily identify with being closer to one end of the spectrum then the other...

...Given gender identity permanency and its obvious importance in the ordering of one's life, it is reasonable to consider gender identity as essential existential knowledge, knowledge that can not be unknown or separated out from the whole without radically redefining the whole. 

...I believe it is safe to say that gender dysphoria is the single most dominating influence during developmental stages [for severe dysphorics].

Research continues to reinforce that gender identity is fix at birth and permanent.  I agree that for me, as a severe gender dysphoric, my dysphora was and is the single more dominating influence in my life.  For instance, do you know the reason I never drank or got high growing up?  The primary reason was I was afraid that during a period of reduced inhibitions, I would reveal to others my true feelings about my sex.  Even today, if I'm tired or emotional, it is hard to hold back expressing the REAL struggles and anxieties I have concerning my sex.

The term Gender Identity Disorder implies that one's physiological sex is correct and that one's inner sense of gender is disordered or wrong. It is clear that this is not how gender dysphoric individuals perceive their condition. This is evident both in psychologists' inability to change a person's sense of gender with therapy and the ready preference of many of these individuals to undergo physical sex reassignment.

Due to the definition of my condition in the DSM, I tried to convince myself for years that my brain was wrong and my body was correct that the true fix for my condition would be in my brain.  I say tried to convince myself because that is not at all how I actually saw it.  My brain and heart always told me I was supposed to be female and that ultimately my body was the reason problem.

Having been more diligent than most at trying to treat my condition psychologically, I can attest to the fact that ultimately my internal sense of gender has been unchangeable and has not reduced my desire to be myself.

The majority of the pain I feel comes in two forms, depression and mostly anxiety.  When I think on the life I didn't get to have, when others assert my maleness, etc, it is depressing.  When I was working to treat myself, I mainly focused on these types of depression triggers.  I could not do anything for the anxiety however which seems to be the greatest source of threat.  There is anxiety that people will find out me, anxiety that those who know don't accept me, anxiety about living up to societal expectations, anxiety about living the rest of my life as male, etc.  I'd say anxiety has been my constant companion my entire life.

Psychological pressure comes from society's strong expectations that one conform to one's assigned gender role. This an obvious tenet. Physiological pressure is less obvious but most likely results from the inability of the individual's body to produce sufficient cross-sex hormones. This becomes evident in the fact that within days or weeks of receiving cross-sex hormones, dysphoric individuals exhibit markedly lower anxiety. This procedure is so reliable that it is the second step in a the triadic treatment plan described in the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association's (HBIGDA) Standards of Care. (W. Meyer, et al.,2001). Hormonal treatment is considered both a verifier of gender dysphoria and a treatment. Further, as treatment continues, the resulting cross-sex feminization or masculinization typically reduces and eventually eliminates the anxiety entirely (W. Meyer, et al.,2001).

My pain comes from two sources - both extremely important.  Body dysphoria and social dysphoria.  Generally to relieve body dysphoria I'll avoid mirrors or other gender defining characteristics or I'll try to feminize myself in some way.  Those times when I am not dissatisfied with my body and when I feel I am particularly feminine looking, I feel the greatest relief of the body dysphoria.  Relief also came from the use of hormones - it was like it 'fixed' some part of my brain and the body changes were great too.  True relief though would come from knowing my body is female.

I cannot escape the social dysphoria however and it by far dominates my conscious mind.  Male expectations and societal pressures are a constant source of anxiety, depression, and tears.  My partner was called "a boy" the other day because she was playing "boy games" and wasn't interested in "girl things".  This upset her greatly.  For me, this is an every day, every moment occurrence.  Every assertion as to the fact I am male is like a dagger piercing me.  People telling me that I'm not really female, that I'm not feminine, that I look male, that I have strong male features, that I wouldn't understand x because I'm male, being excluded from female activities on the basis of my sex, etc. really bother me.  Even things as simple and common as using male pronouns and calling me by my male name drive me crazy. I want to cry out, "If you only knew you are talking to a girl!"  Growing up male meant I didn't get to grow up in a female social world so I have the disadvantage of not knowing what is it like to actually "be" a girl.  It doesn't change the fact that I AM one though.

Since everyone, even an intersexed child, is raised as either a boy or a girl even in the most non-sexist environment (Stein, 1984), a chain of physiological and societal events begins at birth that propel the individual into a predetermined set of behavioral expectations. In a bicameral sexed culture, deviating from those expectations almost invariably results in social conflict. The individual's quality of life, his or her relationship with family, friends, career, legal gender status and the nature of his or her being in the universe, are all at stake.

I need, and I mean, NEED to be seen by others as female to relieve the social dysphoria.  I have told my partner for years that I just want to come out to everyone everywhere.  Make a facebook post or something to clear the air and that this would help me.  Repeatedly she has requested I not do that, but the reason I want to so badly is because I feel it will actually relieve my anxiety.  It wouldn't be a complete fix though.  Even if well meaning people know that I believe I'm female, it doesn't mean they can start seeing me that way or interacting with me that way.  Even my best friend who has known me about 25 years says even that is hard for him to see me as female because I still look male.  This highlights the need to take steps to look as female as possible.  Looking female and not hiding feminine desires and mannerisms would go a long way to facilitating others seeing me as a female.  Achieving that without complete transition is a fine line however and one I still don't know how to accomplish.

For individuals with a mild to moderate form of dysphoria, life is tolerable and they rarely make any overt attempt to live outside prescribed social norms. For those with a more extreme dysphoria, mild palliatives such as periodic cross-dressing, although helpful, becomes insufficient. These individuals appear to need to inhabit and live out the cross-sexed identity.

Exactly my previous point...  I don't cross dress privately and haven't for very many years because it doesn't really fix anything.  It isn't enough to be a boy in girl's clothes, I need to be seen as a girl in girl's clothes.

There is more to be said about this article and more things that describe my experience, but in the interest of keeping this from going too long, I'll end it here.  I hope those who read this have a greater appreciation for the real problem created by the dysphoria and that the fix for it is not an easy one.

The whole paper can be read here:

http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Becoming my True Self (almost)

When I was a child I had a vision of the woman I wanted to be when I grew up, and as I grew older I refined that vision.  My transition was an attempt to fulfill my greatest dream, however when it ended, I gave up the whole of the vision unfortunately and became only a shell of myself.

This is evident when one considers my grooming practices.  Often times I'd look at the mirror and be terribly disappointed what what I saw.  I'd think, "I'd look better if I wore my contacts, or did my hair different, etc."  Inevitably though I'd start to think, "What's the point? No amount of grooming is ever going to make me look the way I should," so I'd give up entirely.  Year after year I'd let myself go a little more.

This happened to me more than just in grooming habits, but in the way I treated others, and in how I respected myself.  Each year I got further from where I wanted to be.  I became colder, less feeling, less respectful, and more depressed.

I tied up my sense of self worth in fulfilling duties of my church, my work, and later, my partner.  It seemed I could ignore myself if I helped everyone else reach their goals.

I realize now though that I didn't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater.  I didn't have to give up all the attributes I held to be important JUST because I would never reach my ultimate dream.

I've decided to take steps now to becoming the person I was always meant to be.  I'm hoping it will allow others to see the real me, rather than the little flashes I give occasionally, and I'll find peace in the person I become.

I'll have to do a blog post painting a picture of who I am in my head.  Maybe it will help others see me the way I see myself.

On a Precipice

My precipice...

I ended my three year transition in November of 2001 at the age of 21.

I ended my transition because I hated hiding my past from everyone.  I hated doctoring up my childhood experiences so they were consistent with my current presentation.  I felt I constantly had to lie despite how much I value authenticity in my relationships.

I ended my transition because I felt I would never have what I truly wanted.  I wanted to marry in the temple and be a wife to a righteous priesthood holder and a mother to children who I raised in the church.  That future was impossible however.  It was highly unlikely a worthy priesthood holder would even go out with me once he knew my past much less marry me.  I could never marry in the temple, and would likely be separated from him in the hereafter.  Additionally, were I to have children, they would not understand why they could not be sealed to their mother, and if word got out as to my past, they could know no end of ridicule – something that might turn them from their faith.

I ended my transition because I believed the DSM-IV which listed my condition, GID, as a mental disorder.  I thought it lent weight to the fact that changing my body was somehow fundamentally wrong – that the real problem was in my head and the right way to treat it would be to treat the mind.

I ended my transition because I saw numerous others fail in their transitions, succeed in their transitions and be miserable, or never have the courage to try, and I believed that it was possible that transition wasn’t the only answer.  The DSM certainly backed that idea up even if it didn’t have an accompanying guidebook for treatment.

I ended my transition because the pain of my GID seemed to grow less while on hormones and I figured I could treat it as I went.  I believed that if I could learn to manage it, that I could help others to do the same, and eventually there would be a true cure for the brain.

I ended my transition because I felt a longing to the right thing: to do the thing that would help me and others to have the most happiness in this life and the next.  I believed ending my transition would allow me to be a regular participant in church again, take out my endowments and help me prepare to enter the Celestial kingdom.  My hope was that my life would be short so I could get there quickly.

For the next 9 years I would manage my GID as best as I could.  I’d have up and down days, but generally kept it in control.  I analyzed my condition to the nth degree, identified and nullified my triggers, worked with others to help me manage the depression and tried to serve as an example to others who didn’t want to transition.  I was perfectly active in church, and prayed and read my scriptures daily if not extremely regularly.

I managed my GID with hormones which kept the worst of the side effects at bay until January of 2011 when I was diagnoses with an extremely rare and deadly blood condition.  Because of the blood disorder, I can no longer take hormones at all, so I've had to fall back on trigger management 100%.

In June of 2010 I realized one of the greatest triggers still affecting me was attendance at church and the temple.  Up to that point I had tolerated it, but it was becoming more and more difficult to manage.  Coming home from church or the temple caused my partner to notice how distraught I was.  One Sunday morning while preparing a lesson for Priesthood about the Priesthood, something I’ve never truly understood or even felt that I had, I broke down.  I couldn’t take it any longer and couldn’t teach something I didn’t believe – the spiritual nature and eternal role of males was something that was so distant from my experience and I really disliked the expectation it put upon me.  I reached out for help, came out to bishop, quorum leaders and home teachers.  They never responded. 

The next time I heard from anyone was from a few missionaries on splits with a member from the ward came to my house a month ago.  They listened to me; I told them I wanted to come back but needed help dealing with my reservations and that I needed to gain a testimony of the Priesthood.  They made promises of continued communication and even asked if I’d accept a call from the new bishop.  I agreed to accept it when he called, but I have heard nothing since, not from the bishop, nor the member, nor the missionaries.

One of my core justifications for ending my transition (the church) is gone.  I still had one left, the affirmation from the DSM IV that GID is a mental disorder, and the hope that research would one day provide a cure to my brain.

In September that hope ended as well when I discovered that the APA announced officially that GID would be removed from the DSM V next May.  I had based so much of my choice to end transition, to seek alternate methods, and to hope for a cure for my brain on the fact that the DSM listed my condition as a brain disorder only to be told 10 years later, “oops, it really was a medical disorder all along with transition as the only acceptable path to treatment”.  One core belief I had is that my brain is lying to me, that my body is correct.  New and continued research and the APA’s decision now says, your brain is right, your body is wrong.

I have no foundation any longer upon which to stand.  The medical and GID community would have me transition, but it would destroy my current life with my partner.  The church would have me not transition and rejoin them, but experience has shown me there is no promise of relief there, only continued suffering.  I can no longer manage my GID with hormones because of my blood condition and I don’t know long much longer trigger management will help – it was never intended to be a permanent solution.

I have no foundation any longer.  Ending my transition was a grave mistake but one I can do nothing about now.  If I’m going to continue to make it through life without transition and keep my family in tact, it will have to be on a road less trodden.

So it's time to leap from my precipice and see where I end up.  I'm glad you are along for the ride.